Gardai React to London Threat

April 18, 2007

The Garda Siochana has revealed a series of new measures aimed at increasing the intake of trainees at Templemore training college. These measures were made public last night in response to the lucrative pay package offered by London’s Metropolitan police, who are currently recruiting candidates from Ireland. The starting salary for a London PC stands at £29,000, while a Garda earns a paltry £14,000.  ‘We appreciate that many potential Gardai may be lured away by the extra money,’ commented the Garda Commissioner in his statement to the press, ‘but unfortunately we do not have the funds to compete with London on a pound for pound basis. However, we have begun to implement a host of alternative measures which, we hope, will tip the scales back in our favour.’ 

These changes include an extra parking space for Gardai in Merrion Square, a vegetarian lunch option every second Tuesday, improved hats, options of working from home, colour-coded beats, freedom to ignore incidents involving those over 65, more flexible working minutes and optional self-destruct modules. In a parallel initiative, certain sections of the force will be equipped with state-of-the-art hydrogen powered rollerblades for the purposes of tracking down drunk drivers in heavy traffic.

Research is also underway to provide rollerblades which allow Gardai to fly over small buildings, such as the Greatest Living American’s secret hideout on Gardiner Street, which is in need of constant surveillance lest its location become known to the public. These plans are still in an embryonic stage however. ‘We got the idea from a James Bond film, where Bond escapes from the baddies by strapping on a rocket pack and flying away. It seemed so effective that we decided to investigate the option of adding it to our existing design.’ The Gardai’s previous scheme of this nature led to the installation of ejector seats in 63 squad cars. However, instead of propelling the occupant of the passenger seat into the air, a minor design flaw resulted in the entire car being launched some 17,000 metres into the atmosphere, leaving the passenger relatively unscathed on the ground below. Both NASA and the ESA are reported to be extremely interested in developing the technology further.


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